** Tales from the Bright Side!! **
Singing Telegrams are an excellent way to communicate love from one person to another. We are often asked about some of the most unusual situations we have sung about.
- A herpes germ sang to an epidemiologist
- Congratulation to my ex-wife on her new breast implants
- Will you marry me after living with me for years and having 4 of my children.
- Please dress as Little Bo Peep and recite poems that are written in code that sound like gibberish.
- Please sing to neighbor's dog that we are sorry our dog tried to eat you, and we will pay your vet bill.
- A cowboy in a Bull-Riding competition at the Gilpin County Fairgrounds was turning 21. His mother wanted to embarass him with a Singing-Kissing Cow, flashing her udders in front of the spectators in the middle of the bull pen.
- A gorilla holding a sign at Denver International Airport greeting a blind date.
Necessity Is The Mother Of Invention
When I was on my way to do a Marilyn job, I decided to put my boobs on in the car. I even took a "spare", just in case. At the 1st red light, I blew up a balloon, and put in on the left. Then I blew up the 2nd, and it looked kind of funky. Sure enough, it popped when I started to put it in. No problem, I thought cockily, I have my spare! I blew it up, and oh no! It popped, too! Now I was in trouble! I was blocks away and only had one boob! Time to improvise. I surveyed what I had in the car. Towell...too big. Cape...too big...wig! I tried the wig, and it was just a little bit too small, smashed down too easily. Needed something to make it stay out. I know, let me tear the top off of this Wendy's cup! I stuck that on my boob, the wig on top and around it, and Shazam! I had a boob! As I sang the telegram, and the man stared admiringly at my boob, I thought: Here was this man, drooling over these big luscious breasts, probably thinking "I wonder what her cup size is!" Little did he know, it was size large from Wendy's!
Lost All Control
Just sang to a woman having a 50th birthday. Her friend in Oklahoma wanted to tease her that she was “getting Old” by sending an Old Man with a beer belly. His wife decided to dress up and come along just for fun.
I was wearing warm-up pants, a scraggly gray wig and a safari hat. She was wearing an old lady dress, shawl and a goofy straw hat covered with flowers.
The Birthday Girl was thrilled and surprised. She was so amused, that when she tried to talk to us, she lost ALL control of her faculties, and a big glob of drool came flying out of her mouth! This won the ultimate academy award for her singers who rolled over in laughter.
Last week, I got an unusual request: Surprise our co-worker at 7am and wish him "Good Luck on the SATs." At the office, they had a fitness challenge and he lost the bet. To pay the bet, he had to take the test with all the high school students (he is 34 years old).
The Devil Made Me Do It
The Owner of Sunshine Singing Telegrams & Balloons
They wanted me to dress like the Pregnant Grim Reaper. They also wanted to video tape the telegram, so my husband came to get it on film. Unfortunately, he had a little complication. For two days, he had been having nose bleeds. Yes, you guessed it...five minutes before the guy drove up, his nose decided to bleed. the doctor had given him a big white clamp to put on his nose if that happened.
Imagine sitting in your truck, getting ready to go into the school...A menacing lady in a black hooded cloak with a big pregnant tummy skulks up to the door, followed by a videographer with a giant clamp on his nose!
First, he was a little scared, then he just started laughing-giggling, uncontrollably, through the song and all the way into the school! I LOVE MY JOB! It is really fun to make people laugh!
After all this time (over 30 years) I still love my job. Yesterday, I got a last minute order that had my name on it. A woman wanted to surprise her father on his birthday. She said "He's going to be 78, he LOVES horses, and has his own." I started picturing dressing up as a horse. Then, as if she was reading my mind, she said she didn't want anything goofy like a horse. The customer added, "He's all about John Wayne and bein' a Cowboy. He always has beautiful women hanging on his arm, and they're always REALLY young." I had been home for a few days, getting rid of a cold, and had convinced myself that I was a sedate married lady much too old and much too "substantial" to play the part. I began a mental inventory of my young singers, but they were either out of town or out on gigs. "He loves country music. We want you to send 'Marilyn'...it's OK if she's a big woman...so much the better!"
"I Love My Job!"
The wheels started turning. I could picture which songs to use, and just what would happen, and what the singer would wear....And I knew: the singer had to be me...
--- I put on a long velvet evening gown with a slit up the right leg. Underneath, I put a couple of balloons to make my bust line look huge. Then, I put on my shocking pink pantaloons, boots, and a blond wig. Enlisting the help of my husband as my driver, we went to the bar where the party was. There he was, in his cowboy shirt and black cowboy hat. He looked like a cross between "The Rifleman" from TV, and Clint Eastwood. I sauntered up, singing "Hey Big Spender." He took one look at my "balloon boobs" and became very glad to see me.
Going into full vamp mode, I let my cape fall suggestively. Sashaying around him, I sang "Makin' Whoopie" as I planted bright red kisses all over his face. Since this is a family friendly business, I have to be careful not to cross the line. I'm no stripper. But, nobody ever told me that HE couldn't! So, as I sang, I came up behind him, and brazenly unsnapped his cowboy shirt. (I don't know what took hold of me!) Flirting mercilessly, I asked him if he was "too old" to get down on all fours for me. He was happy to oblige. I was planning to "pretend" ride him, by squatting over him without placing any real weight on him.
All afternoon, I had rehearsed his favorite song, "Save a Horse, Ride a Cowboy". I guess he recognized it. Something got into HIM, and next thing I know, he started bucking and giving me a real ride! It was hilarious! My lyrics were flappin' around every which way, and I couldn't read them anymore (should have been on video). So, I had to improvise and just get everyone singing "Save a horse, ride a cowboy". That was probably more fun for them anyway. He stood up, and suddenly, the DJ there started playing the real song. I grabbed him and started dancing with him. He was a great dancer, too. While we were dancing, his daughter ran up and put a folded bill in his waistband. I remember thinking "I wonder what she's doing..." We stopped dancing, sang Happy Birthday, and I started making my way out.
His daughter walked up to thank me, and said "Did you get your tip? I put it in his pants." I said "I didn't know that was for me!" I went back to Good time Charlie, and said, "I heard you have something in your pants for me." He then pulled out the bill. I made a quick getaway with my husband, and he said, "How much did they give you?" I answered as I always do "I don't know, I didn't look. Whatever it is, I'm grateful for it. It's not about the money, it's about fun, and making someones day! Silently, I blessed the tip and forgot about it.
A couple of days later, I was making a purchase that was only $2.00, and didn't want to use a credit card, so I fished into my purse, found the folded bill, expecting it to be a $20 bill. I unfolded it, and to my surprise, it was a ONE HUNDRED DOLLAR BILL! Like I said, I LOVE my job!
Today I went to Sam's Club to surprise a lady for her 26th Birthday. They asked for the Bag Lady. I put on a plain dress, pair of short pants, and then a vest that is full of dirt and stains that have been aging like fine wine. On top of the pants, I put on another pair of very raggedy, torn up pants that I had to fasten together with a safety pin. Finally, I topped the outfit with an old plaid house coat that is a tattered rag, and a flannel shirt on top. I looked dirty, and disheveled. I was ready to go. When I got to the store, the guy who ordered it said he'd bring her to the front door. As I waited, I chatted with the very pleasant woman who guards the door. I had to figure out a way to divert attention AWAY from the Birthday girl, so that she'd be surprised, so when she came closer, I started "yelling" at the woman working the door. I told her "how dare you not let me into the store just because I don't have a membership! This is the United States of America! Land of Freedom and Opportunity! It's a free country! I can shop in ANY store! This lady here at the door is very mean and rude, and should be fired!"
My Birthday Girl, looked like a doe in the headlights and her eyes were open so wide I'm pretty sure she was convinced I was a lunatic. Usually, at this point, (and most times, long before) someone comes along and tries to throw me out. Here is where God decided to pull a little prank on me ... No one tried to throw me out. ... No one gave me a hard time. ... So, I ranted and raved, and was JUST about to start singing, when a little voice next to me said "Uh, your pants fell off". My tambourine froze mid air after I had just blurted out the words "Sunshine Singing Telegram....!"
I did a U-turn, and I blinked and said "Huh?" The sweet lady working the door (who I had just viciously attacked for no reason) repeated, "Your pants fell off..." I looked down, and much to my horror and surprise, there were my raggedy pants ... At my feet! I tried to be subtle and professional and just step out of them, but try as I might, I couldn't get those pants untangled from my shoes! The harder I tried, the worse it got. I had two choices: either laugh or cry. There was my dignity and all semblance of professionalism lying at my feet. I was trying to fool this Birthday Girl, surprise her, pull a prank on HER, but the universe had other ideas. The irony hit me, and the laughter burst through the damn and washed away all propriety.
I didn't just crack up, I giggled my head off like my sisters and I did as children when the tomato soup came running out of our noses. Pretty soon, they were giggling, too. They weren't sure just why I was laughing, but they couldn't help themselves, and we had a big laugh fest. Suddenly, I realized that I had just convinced her! Fooled her! She thought I was a raving LUNATIC who had been let loose on the streets!
I pulled it together, started singing her Birthday message, thinking "everything's gonna be all right!" God had one last joke to play on me, though. As I played my tambourine, some kind of nail stuck me, and made me shriek in pain, for one last touch of lunacy. As I left, the gentleman who hired me said "we're going to call you NEXT year when it's her Birthday!" As I walked away, I thanked God for this golden, magical moment of sheer joy!
We did a fake cop telegram on the south side of Fort Collins. At 7am we woke up a 21 year old victim, congratulating him on his year long anniversary of being sober and drug-free. We really fooled the guy after pounding hard on the front door of the house he was house-sitting. After I decided to search the refrigerator for any "booze," he said that this was "really weird."
Let the Good Times Roll
This morning, I got a call from one of my most talented singers. He sadly told me he'd be out of commission for a while, because he broke his foot.
I remember what that's like. Several years ago, I broke my ankle. It was right at the beginning of a fully booked holiday season. That night, I was on my way to a telegram as the Grim Reaper.
Something was broken. I heard the bone snap. My instincts told me I'd probably be laid up. So, I asked my adopted brother to drive me to the telegram, THEN take me to the E.R. It was my last hurrah before being laid up for 8 weeks.
By the time I worked for 3 weeks from bed, with my ankle elevated above my heart, I was stir crazy. So for the last 5 weeks, I told customers we had a Decreppo Gram. A decrepid lady on crutches. My 1st mission was to sing to an Orthopedic Surgeon! It was perfect!
Encouraging my singer, I told him "don't count yourself out, there's always the Decreppo Gram. I'll dress you up in a parka, scarf, and ski cap, and send you as a wounded skier! "
Five minutes later, I received a call from some young women in Texas. Their friend came here on vacation, went skiing, and got frostbitten. She was in the hospital, and needed to be cheered up.
I met Mr. Broken Foot at the hospital, and put him in a wheelchair. We rolled him into the I.C.U., sang a fabulous duet,
And once again proved: The Show Must Go On! Let the Good Times Roll!